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How Fathers Build Self Esteem In Their Children Henry A. Doenlen, M.D. |
| Fathers may help their children gain confidence and self-esteem in a different way from mothers in many intact American families. The mother generally shows consistent affection for their child. If a child is doing well, the mother is happy with the child. If a child is having problems, the mother is supportive and sympathetic. The child learns that the mother will be loving, so matter what happens (within reasonable limits, of course). In this way, the mother is the "emotional safety net" for the child. The father often takes on a different role. Although the father can provide sympathy and support when a child is troubled, the father usually shows more affection when a child is successful. The father often sets goals for the child, and tends to show their pride for the child when the child meets those goals. I've seen this on the Soccer field. At the end of a game, win or lose, the mother tells the child, "good game!" The father says "good game" when the child's team loses, but when the child's team wins, the "good game" is far more enthusiastic. This subtlety tells the child that winning is important. While in school, the mother will complement the child for doing his best, the father shows more pride and gives more attention to the higher grades. When a child is having a problem, the father is likely to encourage the child to solve the problem and is may be less interested in hearing about the child's hurt feelings. By helping and encouraging the child to solve the problem, the father may subtlety give the child goals. A father can help a child set goals to change behavior, improve school performance, or grow in a variety of ways. In an intact American family, the mother helps a child feel good about himself without as much regard for the child's accomplishments. The father helps a child achieve their best, by setting goals for the child to reach. This way, a child feels even better about himself when he achieves the goals. A father who is effective at setting goals for their child generally sets goals that the child can reach, although it may be a challenge for the child. For example, if a child achieves grades of C's, the father may encourage the child to get some B's. Since the child has to make an effort to get the father's praise, the child feels pride when the father's praise is given. The child learns to be successful in accepting challenges. Fathers need to be careful not to expect too much from their children. Goals set too high are difficult for the child to reach, and the child may feel that the father does not feel pride for him. Another problem occurs when the father is not available to share in the achievements of the child. Just as a father's praise is important to a child, it is also important for the father to witness the child's achievements at sports events, scout meetings, performances, and recitals. Please remember that fathers do give unconditional love and support for their children, just as mothers set goals and show pride for their children's achievements. However, fathers tend to give more attention to the child meeting the goals. This attention helps a child develop the special self-esteem which is felt when goals are achieved. |
| About the Author... Henry A. Doenlen, M.D. is certified by the American Board of Neurology and Psychiatry in both General Psychiatry and Child Psychiatry. His practice is with Psychological Associates, P.A. in Pensacola, Florida. Dr. Doenlen specializes in the out-patient treatment of emotional disorders and substance abuse in children, adolescents, and their families. Dr. Doenlen is available to give this talk, as well as talks on other topics involving problems with children and adolescents. Interested groups may contact him at the location below: |
| Address: | Psychological
Associates, P.A.
600 East Government Street Pensacola, FL 32501 |
| Phone: | (850) 432-1480 |
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| Copyright © 2001, Psychological Associates, P.A., All rights reserved. |
July, 2001 |
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